To all the parents of college freshmen

I know that we’re your babies. You fed us, changed our diapers, clean up our puke, stayed at our bedside, and fought off the monsters under the bed. We appreciate this. There are some things, however, that need to be addressed.

Don’t panic when we don’t call. We will call if we need something. When we don’t call, it means that we’re busy, we’re fine, and that we’re having a grand time doing our own laundry.

If we don’t call every night, every other night, or even every week, we are not dead. This does not give the right to call our RA, our advisors, or the cops to see if we are still alive. All this does is make us never want to talk to you again for humiliating us in front of our roommates and peers. (You think I’m joking. My roommate is read to kill her parents for calling the cops.)

If you’re that worried that we’re dead, send us a box of useful things: candy, soda, coffee, chocolate, clean clothes, rolls of quarters, laundry stuff.

I know that you remember the good old days of back when you were in college. At least, you think you do. College is both different and the same. There are many new obstacles, new tasks, and new hardships that didn’t exist 20+ years ago. For example, one of the many harmless pranks that you got away with will now get us expelled and sent to jail. Don’t give us ideas.

We value your advice, but rarely hear it. No offense, but we’ve been ignoring it for the past 18 or so years. When we ask for your advice, we really want it. And, yes, we know that you told us how to do this every day over the past summer, but we really need it now.

Factor in time zone changes when you call. There’s nothing more annoying to the rest of us than someone’s cell phone going off in the middle of class ever 2 minutes, followed by the ‘missed call’ sound, and finally followed by the ‘new voice mail’ sound. While your child’s ringtone is catchy and fun to dance to, the other sounds are annoying and grating.

Really, when we don’t call, it’s not that we don’t love you. It’s that we’re fine, busy, and having fun. Honestly. I promise. We’ll call in a week or two when we need something, and we’ll remind you how much we love you then.