Playing the game

If a female ever says anything along the lines of “But what can mere women do that’s intelligent or noble” (Lysistrata, translated by Jeffery Henderson), there are two possibilities for this. One possibility is that the female truly does feel this way.

In this case, she needs counseling.

The other possibility is that the female wants something.
She may be fishing for compliments. If that’s the case, men, compliment her before she starts talking about how “horrible” she thinks she is. From my experience, this is the case most of the time. When I, as a female, say that I look horrible, I’m really saying “compliment me, you moron. This is easy. I’ve set it up for you. All you have to do is say ‘I think you’re beautiful.’ Is it really that hard?” I’m sure most females will agree: a girl dissing herself is really just a way of setting up an easy compliment.

She may want someone to do something for her, or possibly she may want something shiny or something covered in chocolate. A female will generally be going for this when she saying something like “I can’t do anything right.” It might be a bad day, and she just can’t concentrate to actually accomplish anything. Other times, she may just want help. In rare cases, the female will be cunning, manipulating people around her to do everything while she kicks back and enjoys herself. Hey, men do it all the time. Women actually have to work to be in that position.

Men, whatever you do, don’t point out that you’ve caught on to the game. It makes the female enraged (Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn…ring any bells?) and just makes you, the male, look like an ass, for lack of a better word.

See, when you point out the fact that the female simply wants something, you insinuate a few things. To the female, this means that she has failed and will not get what she wants. The female also feels as though you’re cheating like the kid back in elementary school who would move your battle ships after the game started. There are no written rules, but making it known that you’ve figured out women makes it look like a complete fool. A guy thinks he’s figured out girls? It’s more likely that we’ll become best friends with Hamas and that there will never be any wars on the planet starting…now.

Men, play along. You’ll make her happy. If she’s being a total jerk, figure out why before dumping her.

Again, sorry for the lack of mildly related pictures. stupid blogger...

Everyone’s favorite subject part 3

If you haven’t guessed, I’ve recently become single, and I’m actually having fun with it. I’ve been torturing poor college boys, enjoying myself, and convincing people to do things for me.

Now, the poor college boys I mentioned earlier aren’t exactly being tortured. All I do is spend an extra 10 minutes getting ready in the morning: make up, real clothes that fit, and I’m actually awake when I get to class. I don’t get all prettied up for boys, I honestly do it for myself. I, however, cannot deny that getting whistled at on my way to class is an ego booster.

I’ve found that not being tied down has allowed me to get to know more people. I’ve talked to more people in my classes in the past 2 weeks. I make brownie cake (and for those of you on the food blog, do I have a recipe for you!). I’ve been singing along with all my man hater music, and not caring if I’m off key.

But I’ve also found that even that it’s a painful experience, people around you still care. One of my friends put back on my key on my keyboard (hooray!), and he’s been cooking for me and my roommates (although, I honestly cannot say why because I don’t have a clue. I can only speculate, and I’m going to assume it’s because he takes pity on me and sympathizes with my roommates.)

Being single has its perks. My parents send me 7 boxes of brownie mix, put money in my bank account, and keep shipping my boxes of stuff that I want and need.
So, don’t worry about being single. Enjoy all the perks! I certainly am!

(photo courtesy of myminis.com)

Everyone’s favorite subject (part 2)

Last time I gave some advice on dumping someone, but that’s only half of the story. Being dumped is crap, and it’s one of the worst things to happen to a person.

While it is traumatic, there are ways to deal with the pain without the use of substances (other than chocolate).

Go for a walk, job, or bike ride every day. Don’t go in the day, but when the sun is bright and shining. Your body needs sunlight to produce vitamin D, and it’s thought that sunlight helps prevent depression. Vitamin D may also be a great preventative of depression.

Play video games. There’s something satisfying about beating something up. And no, videogames do not cause violence.

Eat chocolate. It makes everything better. (picture from http://www.phillipschocolate.com/gourmet-chocolate.asp)

Beat up a pillow, a stuffed animal, or some other inanimate object. If you take the pillow route, it will be soft and fluffy when you go to bed.

Take some of KJ’s advice on stress. Take a break from things. Breathe.

Get angry. Start a war with the opposite gender. It may sound difficult, but it’s actually easy and rather fun. I started a lynch mob (jokingly), where we’d just talk about taking out our anger. Date multiple people at the same time, and let them know. Schedule all of them to take you out on a date on the same night, but not at the same time. This means that you have legitimate excuses to get out of a date. Hey, you never said you were exclusive with these people. Get them to make you feel like a princess and battle over you.

Talk to people, and get help if you need it. It is much better to be single and miserable than in a relationship and a failure. (The quote from Grey’s went something like that.) Keep your friends and family close. They are wonderful in these situations. My mom sent me 7 boxes of brownie mix (which is completely awesome!)

Remember, people don’t make you who you are. You don’t need some guy or some girl to make you good, smart, or anything else. If they aren’t your best friend and if they don’t make you feel like a better person, then you’re better off without them.

Everyone’s favorite subject

Hello, again. Today, I’m writing about everyone’s favorite subject: relationships. There’s all that gooey PDA going on out there. : )

But that’s not the subtopic that I’ll be addressing today. Today, I’ll be talking about everyone’s least favorite subject: break ups.

There are a few simple rules to ending a relationship:

-when you break up over the phone, it means you’re a pansie or unable to talk to the person (as in, they’re on the other side of the planet, etc.)

-when you break up with a person, you don’t get to make them feel better. You just forfieted that right. If someone stabs your hand, are you going to let them gause it up for you? NO! You are going to run like hell from said person and you’re not going to want to see that person for a long time, and even then, you don’t want to see them if they have any cutlery.

-when you break up, give the other person at least a month to stop hating you before you try and contact them. Every time you text, e-mail, etc. the person, you’re pouring vingegar onto an open wound. If you don’t think it’s hurts, I’d be glad to demonstrate on you to prove my point. If they ever want to talk to you, they will contact you.

-at least have a good reason for dumping the person. “I found someone hotter than you” does not count.

-talk to the person before ending it. Tell them what bugs you. Hold a conversation. I know it’s hard to speak words. Get over it.

And most importantly, don’t be a jerk about it, especially if your new ex is female. There’s this saying: Girls don’t get even. They don’t get revenge. You will never see the truck that hit you.

Girls get all their friends to hate you, form lych mobs, plot your demise, and ultimately have a 12 or less step plan to ruin your life and chances of ever getting another girl ever again. You are placing your future in the hands of a distraught female. If you’re a jerk, you’re more likely to suffer the fate of that plan.

Oh, humanity. Why have you forsaken me?

I do honestly believe that there is still some good in humanity. I believe every person has at least one good quality about them. Sometimes you just have to search extra hard to find it. These positive attributes can be something as simple as “they have nice handwriting” or “they have nice hair.” Having pretty attributes isn’t a crime. It’s also not an excuse for stupidity.

I have been noticing lately how some people do not understand what is and is not appropriate to talk about in public. By public, I mean a place where others are forced to listen to your conversation.

I do not want to hear about how many times you have sex in a given week. I especially do not want to hear about every detail of the event. I really don’t want to hear about this at all. I could care less. I am more focused on eating my ice cream or getting back to my dorm.

I do not want to hear about how much you want to have sex with someone. I do not want to hear every detail about what you want to do to this person.

I do not want to hear about your financial problems. I do not want to hear about how Jimmy owes you money or visa versa.

I do not want to hear about your relationship issues. I do not care that your significant other of 3 days slept with your best friend. I do not want to hear about how many people you are dating at this time.

I do not want to hear about your medical problems. I do not care if you have 11 toes and that’s your claim to fame.

I do not want to hear about how macho you think you are. I do not want to hear about how you beat someone up, evaded the cops, or participated in some other activity that would give you street cred. If I do over hear this topic again, I will act flirtatious, get your name and phone number, and turn you into the police.

Now, there are times and places to talk about such things, although I cannot honestly think of one. All I ask is that you stop ruining my meal time or my walk home.

A tip for the guys: bragging about how many girls you’ve done or any topic mentioned above is a major turn off. I don’t care how hot you think you are. I don’t care how hot you wish you were. Stop talking crap. If you think a girl is cute, go up and (*gasp*) talk to her. Hold a conversation. Stop being a pansy and hiding behind your delusions of manliness. Stop making me want to punch you for ruining my perfectly good meal. Start talking about something of relevance that doesn’t make me want to hurl. Who knows, you might get on my good list. I buy those people chocolates and other candy.